I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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