Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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