she woke up with a sticky ear
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
