come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
