I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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