i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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