He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
