No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
