I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
