I cannot find my penis.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
