Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
