Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
