Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
