god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
