dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
