Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
