FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
