I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
