i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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