my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
