I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
