the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
