You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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