So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
