he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
