I cannot find my penis.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
