My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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