Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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