So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
