how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
