that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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