just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
