just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
