So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
