and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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