I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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