Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
