Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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