The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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