someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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