His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
