before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just cut my nipple shaving
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
