John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
