My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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