Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
