I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
