how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
