Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
