i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
