All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
