so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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