She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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