There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
