OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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