how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
