His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
