Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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