I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
