I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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