i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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