I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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