My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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